Have you ever had one of those seasons that was so difficult and full of trials that all you could do was hunker down through the winter and try to survive it? That was me last year. The problem was that I couldn’t just hide in my cave nursing my wounds like I used to; now I had kids to care for. I had to somehow attempt to manage some semblance of normalcy, so I grabbed for whatever mask or quick fix got me through the day. But because I did this for so long, a strange thing happened. Even though 90% of my trials ended or eased up immensely, for months I still found myself stuck in survival mode. Since I had allowed negative thinking and the way I saw my life and family in moments of difficulty become the lens through which I viewed everything… suddenly my children changed from being the joys of my life to my greatest source of stress.
They were a burden I was forced to bare though most days I barely had the strength to get myself out of bed. Overcome with anxiety, health issues, and emotional/spiritual battles, the last thing I had the energy for was to deal with the third toddler tantrum of the day. But when you’re a stay at home mom and your husband is at work, you really don’t have a choice. So, I dealt with them… with much anger. I knew that being constantly short tempered with my kids wasn’t helping them, and yet I couldn’t seem to stop. That of course only added to my stress with feelings of guilt. There were days that I resented being a mother. When I imagined getting in my car and driving away. What happened to the girl who wanted to be a mom more than anything in the world? I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.
So I found the best way I could to cope: fill my days as full as possible so as to minimize my time at home alone with my kids. Distractions, distractions, distractions. Play date so I can have adult conversations? Sure! Bible study group with babysitting? Absolutely! Put on a movie for them so I can have some peace and quiet? Definitely. Get on my phone the second they became entertained? Yep. But even though I was with the boys all day long, it never seemed to be enough to make them happy. Getting them to sleep at night would take hours because they would have separation anxiety. Asking them to play quietly while I read would result in a tantrum. EVERYTHING resulted in a tantrum. “What happened to our sweet little boys!?” I would complain to Adam. But the problem wasn’t with them. Yes, I was with them all day, but I wasn’t present with them. And when I was present I just wasn’t a very nice person to be around (so of course they were going to start acting out to get my attention). Not only was I not present, but every day was all about ME. What I could do to make the day better or more tolerable for me, rather than them. I was so wrapped up in just getting through another day that I couldn’t see it. The ironic thing was that my season of ‘survival’ had already ended… I had made it through the war and yet the only person I was still battling was myself. (I’m calling it PTMS – Post Traumatic Mom Disorder, haha)
I used to have this image in my mind of the kind of life and education I wanted to provide for my kids. Rather than sending them to school 8 hours a day where they had all kinds of different people influencing them and the exact education as every other student, I imagined choosing curriculum that fit with the way they learned, getting them involved in extra curriculars that they were passionate about and helped turn them into well rounded and happy people, teaching them to engage and learn with people of all ages and not just their own, and traveling together so they could become cultured and learn about history as they were seeing it come to life. We’d live on a big ranch where they could ride four wheelers and horses, exploring and building forts after they finished their work; we’d have the house that all their friends wanted to come to even though we don’t have a TV.
But suddenly I found my biggest goal was getting my kids to school age so I could finally send them off somewhere for 8 hours a day, have some peace and quiet, and be “me” again. The house we live in one 1 acre that was supposed to be a stepping stone to a bigger piece of property started to feel like too much work and our dogs, cat, and chickens had become even more bodies I had to care for. And traveling with them? Ha! Forget it. Maybe when they were teenagers but definitely not through the early school years. I wanted nothing to do with the anything that came with more responsibility or work – I couldn’t handle the stress. And yet the more things I ignored to “cut the stress”, the lazier and less fulfilled I became. The one thing I was on top of was my obsession to keep the house orderly and clean just to maintain some kind of control in my life. I spent more time cleaning up messes than I did playing and laughing with my boys.
Then about a month ago as I was wrestling with what kindergarten to send Landon to next fall, a friend shared a blog about an interior designer who homeschooled her 6 kids on a homestead in Europe. My first thought was, “How could anyone possibly do all of that AND homeschool SIX kids AND stay sane?!” But as I began reading through her blog something I had buried deep inside of me started to re-awaken. Tears filled my eyes as God reminded me of the way I had always dreamt of raising my children…. and how painfully close I was to giving up on all of it. How much I had already given up- namely, my joy in being a mother. In relishing those little moments with a 4 year old who asks such thoughtful questions, and a 2 year old who makes you smile every time you watch his little waddle-run. I was going to ruin everything I held dear if I continued down this path, including my relationship with my boys.
“Lord,” I prayed, “Forgive me. Being a mom is harder than I ever imagined it would be. I’m not strong enough to do this. I need you. I know you put those dreams in my heart for a reason, change me so I can be the mom my kids deserve.”
After that day it was like all the armor I had put on to survive the previous year finally came tumbling off. Homeschooling suddenly seemed like a possibility again and I found a wonderful all-in-one Christian preschool curriculum to begin working with Landon on (it’s called the Good and the Beautiful, if you’re interested!). My desire for land and animals so my kids would spend their days outdoors enjoying a simpler life came flooding back after spending time with a sweet friend whose kids did just that. Days spent mostly at home suddenly seemed to be more alluring after reading about Charlotte Mason’s ways of raising kids. My stress levels came way down after taking the advice of another homeschool mom who rarely booked anything before 1 pm because “Slow mornings are their jam.”
So, I cleared as much of our schedule as I could, tried to put away my phone and other distractions, started trying to say “yes” more than I said “no”, and began looking for enriching things to spend our mornings doing together at home… and something amazing happened. The tantrums went way down, the boys started sleeping better, my patience returned, and I was enjoying my children again. Oh, how they make us laugh when we take the time to just watch and listen to them.
Now rather than having every day loaded down with activities, rushing the kids out the door in the morning so that we are all stressed and in bad moods, and spending too much time inside or on electronics, our days look a bit different. We all take our time in the morning, enjoy breakfast, the boys do their chores (like feeding the animals, helping with silverware, cleaning up their toys, making their bed), I read chapter books to the them that we all enjoy (we’re doing Little House on the Prairie right now), we snuggle and play with our puppy, Landon and I do his preschool work and Bible study while Cooper plays with legos, and I encourage them to play outside if it’s nice out. We have lunch together, Cooper takes his nap and Landon and I spend time together doing art, baking, playing games, or drinking tea on our porch swing, and then he gets to watch something educational as long as all of his chores/learning are done for the day which gives me some quiet time to decompress. After Cooper wakes up we go to Jazzercise or run errands while listening to books on tape (again, that we all enjoy), and then start dinner after Adam is home from work so I’m not super stressed trying to cook with the boys running around. We still have a playdate at least once a week, go to bible study on Wednesday mornings, and my moms on Tuesdays for a few hours, but other than the random thing here or there, that’s about the gist of it. As I get more into the stride of things I hope to start incorporating more music, gardening, walks, and other fun ways to learn.
I’m still figuring things out and trying to grow in many areas. This is just the very beginning of my journey to making life with kids slower and more intentional, and every day I am going to have to keep battling my flesh, leaning into God, and choosing the harder thing in the moment that reaps the most reward in the long run. And when I fail, I’m going to have to get back up and try again, leaving my guilt and shame at the cross rather than dragging it along behind me. My life probably won’t ever look like the perfect picture I had in my mind many years ago. We might still send Landon to charter school for a time, but it’ll be because it’s what’s best for him not out of desperation. We might not ever be able to afford that big ranch, but we’ll make sure to make outside play and living a bigger priority. It’ll be a bit messier, a bit more chaotic, a bit harder, but that’s what will make it even more beautiful and fulfilling. Motherhood will never be easy, and every season will bring about its own set of trials. But I am just ever so grateful for a God who will never let us forget what He put us on this earth to do and equip us with the grace, courage, and patience with which to do it.
“As arrows are in the hand of a mighty warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.” (Psa. 127:4)
To all you mammas out there who are in a difficult season right now, know you’re not alone and that there’s hope. Please reach out if you need encouragement! And to all you moms who have found joy in the simple and intentional way of raising children, I’d love to hear what your typical day is like/things that you and your kids enjoy doing together!
Honest Always 